Offline Prospecting Direct Marketing Letter Critique needed

[Mutiara]

Hi Offliners,

My name is Mutiara. I'm new to this forum and offline consulting, but know enough about online marketing to get started in helping offline business owners with their business.

First of all, thank you so much Dexx for putting together this forum with all its abundant offline marketing resources. Love it!
Second, thank you for all the offliners in this forum for all the great information that you've posted, free or paid.

I'm not sure where to post this, but I'd give it a shot here.

I'm planning to send direct marketing letters to business owners next week. It's based off David's Preston Cash Cow letter template, slightly modified to include a 'success story' of a business owner that implemented the system that I'm talking about in my letter (Bob Serling's template). The untapped asset is basically the email marketing system that I can provide for them, with or without them having a website. I just make it sound cooler than it is...

So here you go (the letter template):
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

[Recipient Name]
[Title]
[Company Name]
[Street Address]
[City, ST ZIP Code]

Subject: Business idea for [Company Name]

Dear [Recipient Name]:

My name is Mutiara Hobbs. I am a local web business consultant.

I know your time is valuable, as is mine so I will get right to the point.
If I could show you an untapped business asset that you ALREADY have that
could make you thousands of dollars, would you be willing to speak
with me for 15 minutes?

Tapping into this business asset has brought other businesses exceptional results:

For example, one business owner increased his sales by 15% and
generated 2,400 new customers within 8 months of deploying this
untapped asset <<<< (my note: I found these results from my research)

This free consultation can save you as much as 50% of your entire monthly
advertising budget, bring you brand new customers and keep them coming back to you
24/7, 365 days, at the same time!

The best part is because you already have it, the cost to implement this
marketing weapon is minimal.

Please call me at (your number) at your earliest convenience to schedule a
free "no strings" consultation. I promise you, it will be worth your time.

(my note) Would you recommend that I add a link to my squeeze page here so that my leads can opt in and I can follow up with them over and over again...? Of course, I'll give them some free marketing report to motivate them to go to this website. I'm also thinking to add a questionaire (after they opt in) to 'qualify' them to work with me. I mean, I will only work with clients who understand the importance of marketing and the importance to invest in it, no matter how big it is. What do you guys think? Should I include the link or "Please call me @..." is sufficient to get them to contact me?

Yours in business,

Mutiara Hobbs
[my website address]
[my USP]
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Thank you very much!
Mutiara

[BAYO a.k.a. Mr. B]

Some people will disagree with this statement but I'm sticking to it: "I am a local web business consultant." - You might want to change this because it doesn't describe any benefit and is left open to interpretation. Describe what you do in terms of benefits or problems you solve.

"This free consultation..." - Place a price on the consultation and let them know that you're offering it to them '...at no cost'.

This is one of the big mistakes that's a carry over from the early days of Offline Marketing. Always remember that the session is worth a lot to you and to the business owner as well.

[Magic Mel]

Hi Offliners,

My name is Mutiara. I'm new to this forum and offline consulting, but know enough about online marketing to get started in helping offline business owners with their business.

First of all, thank you so much Dexx for putting together this forum with all its abundant offline marketing resources. Love it!
Second, thank you for all the offliners in this forum for all the great information that you've posted, free or paid.

I'm not sure where to post this, but I'd give it a shot here.

I'm planning to send direct marketing letters to business owners next week. It's based off David's Preston Cash Cow letter template, slightly modified to include a 'success story' of a business owner that implemented the system that I'm talking about in my letter (Bob Serling's template). The untapped asset is basically the email marketing system that I can provide for them, with or without them having a website. I just make it sound cooler than it is...

So here you go (the letter template):
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

[Recipient Name]
[Title]
[Company Name]
[Street Address]
[City, ST ZIP Code]

Subject: Business idea for [Company Name]

Dear [Recipient Name]:

My name is Mutiara Hobbs. I am a local web business consultant.

I know your time is valuable, as is mine so I will get right to the point.
If I could show you an untapped business asset that you ALREADY have that
could make you thousands of dollars, would you be willing to speak
with me for 15 minutes?

Tapping into this business asset has brought other businesses exceptional results:

For example, one business owner increased his sales by 15% and
generated 2,400 new customers within 8 months of deploying this
untapped asset <<<< (my note: I found these results from my research)

This free consultation can save you as much as 50% of your entire monthly
advertising budget, bring you brand new customers and keep them coming back to you
24/7, 365 days, at the same time!

The best part is because you already have it, the cost to implement this
marketing weapon is minimal.

Please call me at (your number) at your earliest convenience to schedule a
free "no strings" consultation. I promise you, it will be worth your time.

(my note) Would you recommend that I add a link to my squeeze page here so that my leads can opt in and I can follow up with them over and over again...? Of course, I'll give them some free marketing report to motivate them to go to this website. I'm also thinking to add a questionaire (after they opt in) to 'qualify' them to work with me. I mean, I will only work with clients who understand the importance of marketing and the importance to invest in it, no matter how big it is. What do you guys think? Should I include the link or "Please call me @..." is sufficient to get them to contact me?

Yours in business,

Mutiara Hobbs
[my website address]
[my USP]
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Thank you very much!
Mutiara

This looks like a decent letter , but there is no sense of urgency at all in it. You need to give, an incentive for this prospect to act right away. I tend to use, a headline in my physical letters, as I do with my salesletters on a minisite.

Cheers,
Magic!

[Don Alm]

Thankx Dexx....

[Newbie]

Thanks, Don. What is in your "free information pack"?

David K

[RoyE]

I had forgotten Gary Halbert's technique, although I remember reading about it a few years ago, so thanks for that, 'Tugboat Don'.

We keep threatening to try postcards again, and maybe that's a twist we could add.

For the letter, I tend to agree it needs a bit more urgency. Maybe the case of the 15% increase - which is nice and plausible, could be in your headline?

~Roy

[Magic Mel]

I had forgotten Gary Halbert's technique, although I remember reading about it a few years ago, so thanks for that, 'Tugboat Don'.

We keep threatening to try postcards again, and maybe that's a twist we could add.

For the letter, I tend to agree it needs a bit more urgency. Maybe the case of the 15% increase - which is nice and plausible, could be in your headline?

~Roy

This individual could, have a sense of urgency in their headline or in the post script section. Testing both, is a good idea as usual.

[kf4qhk]

Something I learned from Gary Halbert years ago, STILL WORKS today;

Set up a Voice Mail where you can give a 2-min outgoing message. Mine costs me $10/mo.

Send PostCards to prospects saying something like;
"FREE Recorded Message Reveals How To Get More Customers and Cut Your Ad Costs In Half.
Call....555-1234 Ex 123 anytime"

Then...record a 2 Minute Outgoing Message saying something like;
"Hi...thanks for calling. Yes....I can show YOU how to get more customers or clients and cut your Ad Costs in Half. I'd like to send you a FREE Information Pack. Just leave your Name and Mailing Address at the sound of the Beep. Please Spell Out any Unusual Names. Now get ready to leave your Name & Address at the sound of the Beep."

THIS has worked for me time and time again. All they have to do is pick up a phone and Dial. No need to turn on their PC...log into the net...type in a URL, etc. Also....because they are NOT yet ready to do business with you (because they don't yet KNOW what you're selling)....you are only interested in finding those who are the least bit interested in WHAT you're offering.

I call this Marketing Method....the TUG-BOAT technique. If you've ever seen a big ship come into a harbor you've seen a small boat go out to meet it. The tug tosses a Nylon line across the bow of the big ship. The crew starts reeling in the nylon...which is attached to a larger rope...then a chain...then a BIG chain, which the Tug uses to pull the ship into it's dock.

Same with this; Little by little...inch by inch....you "reel" them in.

Don Alm...."TugBoat Captain"

Don,

I HATE going out and being "nose to nose and toe to toe." Reckon this would work for the FAX BUX program and get the restaurant owners to call me?

[Mutiara]

Wow...
Thank you everyone for the awesome response! I'll try to incorporate everything here and report back the results!

David,
Maybe the free information pack that Don was referring to in his post is a free report about email marketing: what it is, what it does, its benefits, and real life proof? I'm thinking along this line btw.

Don,
Thank you so much for the tips!

Regards,
Mutiara

[samson smith]

It is very nice and decent letter. Thanks for sharing this useful information with us.

[Brandon]

This is very invaluable information I ever read before. Intelligent prospecting skills, thanks for this.

[victoria stiles]

This is really very nice sharing. Direct marketing sales letters need not be written by a copywriter but they need to provide qualified sales leads.